I want you to know how much our friendship means to me: if we were on a sinking ship and there was just one life vest... I'd really, really miss you!
When I was young, the old ladies used to take me by the cheeks and old me "You're next!". Now that I'm old enough and at every funeral I take them by the cheeks and tell them "You're next!".
Arguing on the Internet is like running in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you`re still retarded!
Go inside the kitchen, open the gas tank and leave for about 20 minutes. Then go back and light a match. The name if your soul mate will appear in the ceiling. Did it work?
The pessimist sees the darkness inside the tunnel. The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees the train's lights approaching. The train conductor sees three idiots on the rails.