You can do anything, but not everything.
The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
I'd rather live with a good question than a bad answer.
I'm not smart, but when I look around I start feeling better.
"You are what you eat..." That's strange. I don't think I've eaten any sexy beasts today...
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
Problems are like washing machines, they twist us, spin us and knock us around, but in the end we come out cleaner, brighter and better than before.
I hate people that say "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say "He's a d*ckhead, but you'll get used to it."
If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I am not sure I would want to. I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I am annoying.
When someone says to me "great minds think alike" I just look at them and think "you dirty bastard."
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
When life knocks you down... calmly get back up, smile and very politely say, "you hit like a girl."
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says, "Hold my beer and watch this."