My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
In bed: It's 7:00 A.M., you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 8:45. At work: It's 1:30 P.M., you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 1:31 P.M.
I don't know karate but, I do know crazy and, I'm not afraid to use it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I don't have the fear of heights; I have a fear of falling from heights.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
My opinions are like farts. So hard to hold them in. When one spills, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.
It isn't that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person.
You were by my side when I got sick. You were by my side when they stole my wallet. You were my my side when I crashed my car. I think you're bad luck...
My imaginary friend thinks you have issues!