Maybe Hitler wouldn't have been so grumpy if people hadn't left him hanging for high-fives all the time.
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both "lefts", which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
My wife asked for me to hand her her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She's still not talking to me.
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry. I'll return.
Son: "Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?" Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."