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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order. And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

I've been clean for 47 days now. It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

To the person who hacked my account I will find you, and I will kill you. Edit: no you won't

If the Queen's coffin has a UK flag placed inside, it'll be a union jack in a box.

Today, around the world people are in mourning. Some are in afternoon.

When my son accidentally swallowed a tooth I was worried it would bite him in the ass later.

Due to the Queen’s death, all British music is now Royalty-Free.

There were a couple girls banging on my bedroom door all last night. What's a guy to do? I had to let them out.

Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years!

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils.

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I lost 1000 calories in 3 seconds! How? I dropped by food on the floor.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.

Geology rocks, but geography's where it's at.

Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

Well, to be Frank with you, I'd have to change my name.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order. And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

I've been clean for 47 days now. It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

To the person who hacked my account I will find you, and I will kill you. Edit: no you won't

Others → Others

If the Queen's coffin has a UK flag placed inside, it'll be a union jack in a box.

Today, around the world people are in mourning. Some are in afternoon.

When my son accidentally swallowed a tooth I was worried it would bite him in the ass later.

Due to the Queen’s death, all British music is now Royalty-Free.

There were a couple girls banging on my bedroom door all last night. What's a guy to do? I had to let them out.

Others → Others

Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years!

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn't control his pupils.

What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

Others → Others

Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I lost 1000 calories in 3 seconds! How? I dropped by food on the floor.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.

Others → Others

Geology rocks, but geography's where it's at.

Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

Well, to be Frank with you, I'd have to change my name.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Others → Others

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.