YMStatus.com

The best statuses to share with your friends!

- They stole my phone! What should I do? - Have you checked with the police? - I did; it wasn't them.

According to a survey, 9 out of 10 men like women with large breast, the 10th likes the other 9 men.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me never to go to those places again.

The employer, at the interview: - I will give you 500$ per month at the beginning and in three months I will raise it to 700$. When can you start? - In three months.

A very respectful man enters a bakery: - Good day, I would like a cake. It's my wife's birthday. - How many candles? - 30 - The usual!

- Defendant, do you recognize this knife? - Yes, your honor. - So you confess the crime. - I don't confess anything. But you showed it to me four times. Of course I recognize it!

- That's the similarity between politicians and pigeons? - As long as they're small, they eat out of your hand. But then they get high enough, they sh*t on you!

- Dad, what is oral sex? my daughter asked me. Embarrassed I said: It's none of your business! - OK, I'll go ask mom. I started laughing and I told her: - You can go, she has no idea either!

My boss told me: - Do you think you can come at the office on Saturday? I know it's your day off and maybe you have plans, but I need you! - OK, no problem, I said. But there's probably going to be a lot of traffic so I might be late. - So when will you be here? - Monday.

- My friend, I have no luck in mariage. - How come? - My first wife ran away with an Italian guy. - And this one? - This one doesn't want to go away!

If you're scared of the end of the world, come to Romania. We're set back 50 years!

What are the 70 things a woman should know how to do? 69 and how to cook.

The bride is a little pregnant, because she was slightly raped.

The 4 miracles of a woman: she gets wet without going into water, she bleeds without cutting herself, she gives milk without having to eat grass and she answers without being asked.

What's green, small and runs through the forest in a a pack? - A pack of cucumbers.

Discussion between two cannibals: "I would like to ask your daughter's hand.". The other one replies: "You want it here or to go?".

A discussion between spouses: - I should have married the devil! - No way, baby! Marriage between blood relatives is prohibited!

Two cows on a field. One says: "Mooo!". The other one: "That's just what I was about to say!".

A tourist in Florida: - Is it true that if you carry a lantern, the crocodiles won't eat you? - It depends on how fast you can run, the guide answers.

A terrorist enters a pet shop and screams: - I have a bomb. I want everybody out in 30 seconds. From the back of the store, a turtle: - Really?!

Two blondes talking: - The integral of a function is a generalization of the concepts of area, mass, volume and sum... - Ouch! The guys are coming... Let's talk about stupid stuff!

What is the difference between a teacher and a pedophile? A pedophile really loves children.

What is the difference between a fag and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out if it.

In a recovery room, all people are connected to a breathing device. The electrician walks in and says: - Now everyone take a deep breath, I'm going to replace a fuse!

- They stole my phone! What should I do? - Have you checked with the police? - I did; it wasn't them.

According to a survey, 9 out of 10 men like women with large breast, the 10th likes the other 9 men.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me never to go to those places again.

The employer, at the interview: - I will give you 500$ per month at the beginning and in three months I will raise it to 700$. When can you start? - In three months.

Funny → Jokes

A very respectful man enters a bakery: - Good day, I would like a cake. It's my wife's birthday. - How many candles? - 30 - The usual!

- Defendant, do you recognize this knife? - Yes, your honor. - So you confess the crime. - I don't confess anything. But you showed it to me four times. Of course I recognize it!

- That's the similarity between politicians and pigeons? - As long as they're small, they eat out of your hand. But then they get high enough, they sh*t on you!

- Dad, what is oral sex? my daughter asked me. Embarrassed I said: It's none of your business! - OK, I'll go ask mom. I started laughing and I told her: - You can go, she has no idea either!

My boss told me: - Do you think you can come at the office on Saturday? I know it's your day off and maybe you have plans, but I need you! - OK, no problem, I said. But there's probably going to be a lot of traffic so I might be late. - So when will you be here? - Monday.

Funny → Jokes

- My friend, I have no luck in mariage. - How come? - My first wife ran away with an Italian guy. - And this one? - This one doesn't want to go away!

If you're scared of the end of the world, come to Romania. We're set back 50 years!

What are the 70 things a woman should know how to do? 69 and how to cook.

The bride is a little pregnant, because she was slightly raped.

The 4 miracles of a woman: she gets wet without going into water, she bleeds without cutting herself, she gives milk without having to eat grass and she answers without being asked.

Funny → Jokes

What's green, small and runs through the forest in a a pack? - A pack of cucumbers.

Discussion between two cannibals: "I would like to ask your daughter's hand.". The other one replies: "You want it here or to go?".

A discussion between spouses: - I should have married the devil! - No way, baby! Marriage between blood relatives is prohibited!

Two cows on a field. One says: "Mooo!". The other one: "That's just what I was about to say!".

A tourist in Florida: - Is it true that if you carry a lantern, the crocodiles won't eat you? - It depends on how fast you can run, the guide answers.

Funny → Jokes

A terrorist enters a pet shop and screams: - I have a bomb. I want everybody out in 30 seconds. From the back of the store, a turtle: - Really?!

Two blondes talking: - The integral of a function is a generalization of the concepts of area, mass, volume and sum... - Ouch! The guys are coming... Let's talk about stupid stuff!

What is the difference between a teacher and a pedophile? A pedophile really loves children.

What is the difference between a fag and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out if it.

In a recovery room, all people are connected to a breathing device. The electrician walks in and says: - Now everyone take a deep breath, I'm going to replace a fuse!