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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If trees could scream would we still cut them down? We might, if they did it all the time for no good reason.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

There's 2 types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

I was so surprised when the stationary store moved.

A neutrino walks through a bar.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?

You'd have to be really low to pickpocket a midget.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist, a lot of black people would try to rob me.

You've gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon replies, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

How do you turn a bee into an atheist? You smack the beejesus out of them.

A Roman walks into bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please".

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

You can erase 95% of your "beauty" with wet wipes.

If you can calmly watch a child cry, this is most likely your own child.

A child's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you've ever heard. Of course, if it's not at 3 a.m. And you're home alone. And you don't have a child.

I hate violence, but I like it when I'm struck by luck…

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.