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It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

A woman is like a football player. She lays down and moans, and you're wondering if she's faking it or not.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Men that say that a woman's place is in the kitchen - just don't know what do do with her in the bedroom!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

No one is a virgin, the world screws us all.

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream. And that's kind of the same thing.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Quotes → Funny Quotes

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Quotes → Funny Quotes

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

Quotes → Funny Quotes

A woman is like a football player. She lays down and moans, and you're wondering if she's faking it or not.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Men that say that a woman's place is in the kitchen - just don't know what do do with her in the bedroom!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Quotes → Funny Quotes

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

No one is a virgin, the world screws us all.

You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream. And that's kind of the same thing.

Quotes → Funny Quotes

A man is as young as the woman he feels.