A kiss would make my day, but anal would make my hole weak.
My friends told me a joke so funny that it stopped water from flowing. It was damn funny.
I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore... these are some dark times.
I like my coffee like I like the Kardashians. I don't.
My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. I took him to the vet. No word yet.
I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed. I guess it was a bad delivery.
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes...
One day, 0 and 8 meet. 0 says to 8: Wow, you got a belt!
What do you call Six without the S? Nine.
Solar energy is the future, but it won't happen overnight.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can't keep it in their plants.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both "lefts", which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
My wife asked for me to hand her her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She's still not talking to me.
What does a lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit.
Old MacDonald had a dolphin. E-E-E-E-E.
I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry. I'll return.
Son: "Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?"
Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."
At first I was confused about why they wanted me to carry a Geiger counter, but then it clicked!
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!