A kiss would make my day, but anal would make my hole weak.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."
I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."
My friends told me a joke so funny that it stopped water from flowing. It was damn funny.
I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore... these are some dark times.
What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose? Arrested, apparently.
I like my coffee like I like the Kardashians. I don't.
My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. I took him to the vet. No word yet.
I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed. I guess it was a bad delivery.
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes...
One day, 0 and 8 meet. 0 says to 8: Wow, you got a belt!
What do you call Six without the S? Nine.
Solar energy is the future, but it won't happen overnight.
My friend, Jim, drowned last week. We placed a life jacket on his coffin... It's what he would have wanted.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
You wanna ride bikes?
He thinks I'm crazy for him, but I was crazy before him.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
There are 2 types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself: "This changes everything".
I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.