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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose? Arrested, apparently.

My friend, Jim, drowned last week. We placed a life jacket on his coffin... It's what he would have wanted.

How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? You wanna ride bikes?

He thinks I'm crazy for him, but I was crazy before him.

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself: "This changes everything".

I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

My scarecrow received an award for being outstanding in his field.

Just watched "The Human Centipede" - talk about tongue in cheek.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy but usually I just let my wife sleep.

I'm pretty sure one of my dads is gay.

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

It always amazes me how a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Maybe Hitler wouldn't have been so grumpy if people hadn't left him hanging for high-fives all the time.

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian". Well nobody's laughing now.

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose? Arrested, apparently.

My friend, Jim, drowned last week. We placed a life jacket on his coffin... It's what he would have wanted.

How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb? You wanna ride bikes?

Funny → Funny statuses

He thinks I'm crazy for him, but I was crazy before him.

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?

Funny → Funny statuses

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself: "This changes everything".

I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Funny → Funny statuses

My scarecrow received an award for being outstanding in his field.

Just watched "The Human Centipede" - talk about tongue in cheek.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy but usually I just let my wife sleep.

I'm pretty sure one of my dads is gay.

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

Funny → Funny statuses

It always amazes me how a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Maybe Hitler wouldn't have been so grumpy if people hadn't left him hanging for high-fives all the time.

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian". Well nobody's laughing now.

Funny → Funny statuses

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.