I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If trees could scream would we still cut them down? We might, if they did it all the time for no good reason.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
There's 2 types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
A neutrino walks through a bar.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
You can erase 95% of your "beauty" with wet wipes.
If you can calmly watch a child cry, this is most likely your own child.
A child's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you've ever heard. Of course, if it's not at 3 a.m. And you're home alone. And you don't have a child.
I hate violence, but I like it when I'm struck by luck…
- Look, my moustache is twisted like Salvador Dali's. Isn't it cool?
- You're so weird, Mary!
My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister.
I replied: "What did you expect? She's my wife!"
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."
I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."
What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose? Arrested, apparently.
My friend, Jim, drowned last week. We placed a life jacket on his coffin... It's what he would have wanted.
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
You wanna ride bikes?
He thinks I'm crazy for him, but I was crazy before him.
There are 2 types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.