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A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon replies, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

How do you turn a bee into an atheist? You smack the beejesus out of them.

A Roman walks into bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please".

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

You can erase 95% of your "beauty" with wet wipes.

If you can calmly watch a child cry, this is most likely your own child.

A child's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you've ever heard. Of course, if it's not at 3 a.m. And you're home alone. And you don't have a child.

I hate violence, but I like it when I'm struck by luck…

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

Have you ever got half way through eating a horse and thought, I'm not as hungry as I thought I was?

I often say to myself: "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!".

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’

- Look, my moustache is twisted like Salvador Dali's. Isn't it cool? - You're so weird, Mary!

And if God is a woman, not only you wonțt make it to Heaven, but you won't even know why.

My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister. I replied: "What did you expect? She's my wife!"

The bartender says, “we don’t serve tachyons here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

A bunch of Uranium-238 walks into a bar. 4.47 billion years later half of them are still there.

The Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs boson in here. The Higgs boson says, “But without me how can you have mass?”

A statistician walks into just your average bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve statisticians.” The statistician says, “Well you’re just mean.”

An alchemist walks into a bar. “12 glasses of water please.” He winks at his friends.

An infrared photon walks into a bar and says, “Is it hot in here or is it just me.”

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve neutrinos in this bar.” The neutrino says “Hey, I was just passing through.”

Schrodinger’s Cat walks into a bar…and doesn’t.