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If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here.". Helium doesn't react.
Infinity mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders one beer. The second orders half of a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender rolls his eyes and pours two beers.
Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who askes: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." So he hands the guy a fifty. There's a long pause, then he asks. "Where's my change?' The vendor replies "Change must come from within."
If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order. And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."
I've been clean for 47 days now. It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.
If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.