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My favorite jokes are ones that don't end the way you expecto patronum.

A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1. I am wrong.

Sotia furioasa intra in casa. - Gata, stiu totul! - Serios? Cati afluenti are Dunarea? Intreaba sotul linistit.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" and I ordered a French toast during the Renaissance.

Auto correct makes me say things I didn't nintendo.

Give a man a fish and he'll be all "Wtf are you giving me a fish for? That's weird." Teach a man how to fish and he'll be all "Again with the fish?"

To show everyone that I am smart, I've started writing my 5 books trilogy.

Yesterday my friend told me I don't understand what irony means, which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop.

Let's get the day started with a nice, big bowl of why the fuck am I awake.

Oh, hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade and now wants to play FarmVille. My, my, how the tables have turned.

Hi and welcome to the hidden chair club. Please find a seat.

Cand ai incercat totul si nimic nu merge, citeste instructiunile de folosire.

Every so often, I tell myself I should cut down drinking. Then I realize I'm nowhere near drunk enough to be having this conversation with myself.

I think USB is a backup plan in case USA fails.

What if the coins you randomly find in drawers and between couch cushions are actually spiders leaving them there to pay rent?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and ten million dollars.

Just carried groceries back in one trip. I am pretty sure I'm ready to join the Avengers.

Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor. And than it hits you...

Have some fun in your life... Call in sick in places you don't even work at.

Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask: "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

Something is wrong with my Phone. The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

You know you're drunk when you sit on the toilet and try to put your seat-belt on.

I was an accountant from the age of 21 to the age of 25 before I was fired for no apparent reason. What a waste of 8 years.

My girlfriend is very weird. She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"