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My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll see about that.

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is "Goodbye".

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

My girlfriend left me due to my obsession with glass. I'm shattered.

Got caught up in a really good book last night. Didn't stop coloring until 2 this morning.

I've heard if a bear attacks you should play dead. Sounds suspiciously like something a bear would say.

When a cashier asks if you've found everything you need, take her hand, look deep into her eyes and say "I have now".

Stable relationships are for horses.

A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favourite movie and mom's maiden name, then login and read all their emails.

Why are things always in the last place you look for them? Because you stop looking when you find them.

My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

Rather than poor and sick, it's better to be rich and healthy.

If you have money, you should eat. If you don't have money, you should not be hungry.

Winter's not like summer.

Pentru postul de agricultor va rugam sa completati campurile din fata dumneavoastra.

Wow it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.