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The best statuses to share with your friends!

I don't have the fear of heights; I have a fear of falling from heights.

70% of women do not trust the scales!

Men that say that a woman's place is in the kitchen - just don't know what do do with her in the bedroom!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

The employer, at the interview: - I will give you 500$ per month at the beginning and in three months I will raise it to 700$. When can you start? - In three months.

A very respectful man enters a bakery: - Good day, I would like a cake. It's my wife's birthday. - How many candles? - 30 - The usual!

- Defendant, do you recognize this knife? - Yes, your honor. - So you confess the crime. - I don't confess anything. But you showed it to me four times. Of course I recognize it!

- That's the similarity between politicians and pigeons? - As long as they're small, they eat out of your hand. But then they get high enough, they sh*t on you!

- Dad, what is oral sex? my daughter asked me. Embarrassed I said: It's none of your business! - OK, I'll go ask mom. I started laughing and I told her: - You can go, she has no idea either!

My boss told me: - Do you think you can come at the office on Saturday? I know it's your day off and maybe you have plans, but I need you! - OK, no problem, I said. But there's probably going to be a lot of traffic so I might be late. - So when will you be here? - Monday.

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck.

No one is a virgin, the world screws us all.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

In Paradise there are no marriages, evidently not to disturb the peace.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

My opinions are like farts. So hard to hold them in. When one spills, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.