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Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it.

When a woman says "what?", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like.

Heaven, I believe, is right here, just waiting for us to create it.

Don't bother clicking my name!

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.