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The bartender says, "We don’t serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

I'm not saying I'm attractive, but when I take my clothes off in the bathroom… I turn the shower on.

My wife asked for me to hand her her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She's still not talking to me.

What does a lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit.

Funny statuses

Old MacDonald had a dolphin. E-E-E-E-E.

I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry. I'll return.

I like my slaves how I like my coffee... Free.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards… Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is.

Funny statuses

Son: "Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?" Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."

Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.

At first I was confused about why they wanted me to carry a Geiger counter, but then it clicked!

A recent survey showed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding "You're making a scene."

Funny statuses

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? It's not the end of the world!

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

Funny statuses

Never trust atoms, they make up everything!

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Funny statuses

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.