I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe…
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
Presidential elections in Jamaica have the highest voters turnout on the planet.
I hate people that say "I find that funny" when I make a humorous observation. M*****ker, I went out and looked for it, you ain't found shit!
According to Cannibal Holocaust, South American native tribes were the first to roast the guest of honor.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.
Rubik, cubic enemy number 1!
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party.
Now I’m homeless.
A spider just crawled into my keyboard. It's okay, I have it under Ctrl.
- They stole my phone! What should I do?
- Have you checked with the police?
- I did; it wasn't them.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Chuck Norris was given birth by his aunt, because no one had the courage to f*ck with his mother.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Liquid antiseptic for external wounds. Whiskey for internal wounds.
I don't have a drinking problem, unless I can't find a drink.