Every so often, I tell myself I should cut down drinking. Then I realize I'm nowhere near drunk enough to be having this conversation with myself.
What if the coins you randomly find in drawers and between couch cushions are actually spiders leaving them there to pay rent?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and ten million dollars.
Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor. And than it hits you...
Something is wrong with my Phone. The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.
I was an accountant from the age of 21 to the age of 25 before I was fired for no apparent reason. What a waste of 8 years.
If you love something set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard. And leopards love no one.
My girlfriend asked me to get her some feminine products when I went to the store. So i got her some brand new pots and pans.
If a woman pulls a knife on you during an argument, hand her some bread and butter. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.
ATM is telling me i have insufficient founds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
FACT #34: Women spend more time thinking about what men are thinking than men actually spend time thinking.
I'm sorry that i walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
I can't believe how strong the winds were last night... I ran out to get my girlfriend some milk and got blown into the strip club.
Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause etc. Men have to deal with women. Tie.