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The best statuses to share with your friends!

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

If I drink alcohol I'm an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, I'm fantastic?

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Scientists have come to the conclusion that 56498231 people on the Internet are lazy just because they didn't bother to read that number.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

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"If you fall, I'll be there." – The floor

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it.

When a woman says "what?", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.

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Heaven, I believe, is right here, just waiting for us to create it.

70% of women do not trust the scales!

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep f*cking me.

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

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Life is hard; it's even harder if you're stupid.