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Beer is the answer... but I can't remember the question.

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think... in a deeper voice.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "boy was that fun".

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get married, essentially what you're saying is, "I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let’s put jewelry on each other and dance."

Marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to come out.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.