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I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Blunt pencils are really pointless.

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it's still on the list.

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. It's that no one runs in your family.

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

The thing that annoys me the most regarding the obscene messages on public bathrooms is that no body calls me.

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

Rubik, cubic enemy number 1!

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a house warming party. Now I’m homeless.

A spider just crawled into my keyboard. It's okay, I have it under Ctrl.

- They stole my phone! What should I do? - Have you checked with the police? - I did; it wasn't them.

Alot of things changed when my girlfirend got pregnant. Like my name, my phone number and my address.

Having sex with me is like a pandemic: it lasts long but it's not nice.

Having sex with me is like a pandemic: you don't have to wear a mask if we're in the church.